The comment count continues to grow here at B&B. Thanks to all who chime in!
With the good comes the bad–the inevitable spam. Many times, spam writers are not native English speakers, or if they are, they have run over the grammar in their sentences with a lawn mower before posting. These comments make my inner editor twitch.
I’ve been toying with the idea of posting excerpted spam along with a “corrected” version of these writings for a long time. So, here it is, the first post in a new feature where I turn my inner editor loose, and let her dissect actual spam comments and post about them. Beware, Spam-Spammity Spammers. If you leave spam comments, you may find yourself featured in a future post like this one.
Welcome to Spammer Grammar #1.
ACTUAL SPAM FROM THE SPAM FILE:
“Its like you read my mind! You appear to understand so much approximately this, like you wrote the e-book in it or something. I feel that you can do with a few percent to pressure the message house a little bit, however other than that, that is great blog. A great read. I will definitely be back.”
THE INNER EDITOR BREAKS IT DOWN:
“Its like you read my mind. “
Please, please, for the love of all monkeys, learn the difference between “its” and “it’s.” The first one is possessive. “Its like” means the “it,” whatever IT is, and here I am imagining a malformed giant, OWNS the “like” which makes absolutely no sense. Everyone knows malformed giants have no pockets in which to store “like,” making it highly unlikely they would ever own any.
The contraction for it is = “it’s.”
“You appear to understand so much approximately this, like you wrote the e-book in it or something.”
Here, “approximately” demonstrates a case of rampant Thesaurusitis. Yes, it’s a real disease suffered by spammers. Trust me. Those afflicted with Thesaurusitis compulsively replace sensible words with any random counterpart from a thesaurus. When this happens, chaos rules.
Some examples of random nonsense according to the thesaurus in MS-Word:
“Headline” is interchangeable with “star.” (I read the stars on the front page.)
“Conduit” can be replaced with “ditch.” (Please run the electrical wire through a length of metal ditch.)
“About” transforms into “approximately,” as demonstrated above, and, by the same token an “editor” mutates into a “cutter”…ahem.
*puts the blade down*
The last half of the sentence is shaped by confusing the two prepositions, “in” and “on.” One tiny letter makes a BIG difference. For example, jumping ON a shark is a whole different experience from jumping IN one.
“I feel that you can do with a few percent to pressure the message house a little bit…”
I hear you, dear Spammer, but in the manner of the Great Big Magic Eight Ball of Life, I must respond, “Message hazy. Try again later.” Also, whatever medication you are on, they need to cut back the dosage. Maybe chop those pills in half.
“…however other than that, that is great blog. A great read. I will definitely be back.”
Which blog is THAT blog, exactly? Oh, you meant, THIS blog? I’m sorry, I think I have too much pressure on my message house… and you appear to be missing an “a” before “great blog.” THIS is A great blog. Pesky things those missing words. For instance, if you leave out “to” in “I ran over to my best friend,” you get a drastically different message. Also, one less birthday present next year. Definitely something to keep in mind.
At any rate, I’m glad that you will be back. After all, I can’t start a Spammer Grammar feature without new spam.
Until next time, this is the Inner Editor, signing off.
Image: no spam! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)